Friday, January 7, 2011

1.9

♫ On the first page of our story,
The future seemed so bright,
Then this thing turned out... so evil,
I don't know why I'm still surprised,
Even angels have their wicked schemes,
And you take that to new extremes,
But you'll always be my hero,
Even though you've lost your mind. ♫


Levi was such a good father. But we were both too old for this--and the proof was written in the tight grooves and lines on our faces. Nonetheless, I looked forward to little Pika or little Annabelle--we still didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl, and we were bound to keep that a mystery until the birth.
I was blessed with Pika, who was incredibly friendly, even at such a young age, and astoundingly intelligent. He was Levi's boy, that was for sure. Each look at his face broke my heart, because I knew that our kids were photocopies of our formal selves. 
I would often wake up in the middle of the night, tears emblazoned on my cheek, my heart racing, for I had a dream that Levi or Noel had discovered my (terrible terrible oh so terrible) secret. But of course, that was absurd. No person in their right minds would stick around knowing their mother or wife was a murderer. 

Crazy talk. (CRAZY, isn't that what you are just a tad bit crazy)
Crazy talk.

Besides, it was Noel's birthday, my darling little Noel, and I needed to forget (forget forget you'll NEVER forget) all of that and focus on my little girl.

Not that she was my little girl anymore.

No, once the candles on that cake were extinguished, she would no longer be my little girl, but well on her way to being a grown woman (a grown woman would you look at that what if she's a failure a failure like you) and I know she'll do great things.

I know that. Don't I?
Silly girl was so exited--she was sick of being the kid.

She wanted to be the woman. 

A great woman, right? (a great woman a fantastic woman she'll be just like you she'll kill she will)

I.. have... nothing... to fear.
I love this picture. My kids, one thing I ACCOMPLISHED something I can be PROUD of  (can you can you really are you sure I don't think you are) and I need them. 

I need them... I need them because... I'm going insane. I'm sure of it. I can't think straight, and I keep hearing.... (those dammed voices those cursed things get them OUT)
But every time I see their faces it eases a little, let's off the pain a little, let's me breathe a little. 

I've never seen two kids get along so well. They never fight, and when I'm not feeling very well (not FEELING very well more like insane that's what you are you don't know who you are do you no you don't) and sweet Levi is working hard with the band Noel will take care of him.

And he loves his sister.

Oh, and one more thing before this is over.

I think I saw Brian the other day. Drifting through the kitchen.

But it was probably just a hallucination.

Because I'm crazy. Right? 

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